Do you find yourself constantly repeating instructions, only to be ignored? Do simple requests turn into full-blown battles? If so, you’re not alone.
But here’s the truth—getting kids to listen isn’t about talking more or yelling louder; it’s about understanding how they process information and how we communicate as parents.
In this episode, I share:
- Why yelling weakens your authority and what to do instead
- The importance of routines in fostering cooperation
- How staying calm and relaxed makes all the difference
- A key insight from my own son on why kids choose to listen
- How to reconnect with kids and make the real world more exciting than screens
Many parents think obedience comes from discipline alone, but real listening happens when kids feel respected, heard, and understood.
If you’re ready to stop the endless power struggles and build a relationship where your child actually wants to cooperate, this episode is for you.
Listen now and let me know—what’s the biggest challenge you face when getting your kids to listen?
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Parenting Challenges: Why Kids Don’t Listen And What Actually Works
Staying Calm When Kids Don’t Listen
I told my husband, Silver, that I’m going to make content about what to do when your kids don’t listen to you. He said to share some funny stories. It’s never funny when kids don’t listen to you, is it? What to do when they don’t listen to you? Since we can’t yell to the kids, I usually yell to my pillow until I become calmer before I approach them again. Yes, if I was so overloaded and mad, I tried my best to excuse myself and let out the negative feelings that I had until I could calm myself. I will go back and talk to them again.
It’s so easy to say stay calm, but I want to share that when you can’t be calm, it’s okay. If you would love to try my simple practice, feel free to try it, and I would love to know how it makes you feel. Staying calm is the best tool we can use. The best reaction is not to react until you make sure that you are calm. Remember, you have to hold your remote control very well. We can always press the pause button when we feel that the tension is getting higher because the more you yell, the more you lose your authority. They will not respect us when we have no idea how to handle the situation wisely.
When I was at one of the tourist spots in Kyoto with my family, we were stopped by the screaming voice, “No, I hate you,” from a 9 or maybe 10-year-old boy to his mom and dad. His mom was saying, “Please.” The boy just walked away in another direction. In the end, the parents were following him. None of us parents would let this happen. It’s so painful to see, and the worst thing is that it makes us feel sad and question whether we are bad parents. How come the kids we love could turn into little monsters that scream and have no idea how to respect their parents?
When our son Patrick Oliver was a toddler, I remember the very first time I got the parenting challenge in public. He responded to, “No, you got one already,” to a toy he wanted by crying louder. People started to stare at us, and to make things worse, he threw tantrums by slipping on the floor. He was so lucky that I could stay calm by that time, so I was just there with him, and once he was calmer, I asked him to speak nicely.
He didn’t get the toy he wanted that day, but he got the lesson that he couldn’t get that toy because he already had the same toy at home. The louder he screamed to ask for something, the more he will not get it. That was the first and the last time he threw tantrums like that. He never did anymore because he knew it wasn’t working.
Now, he’s a thirteen-year-old boy, and the challenge is different nowadays because kids have their exciting virtual world. Asking them as simple as, “Please do your homework,” “Come for dinner,” or “Please take a shower,” could turn into chaos. We had an easy option, which is to yell louder so they could hear us.
If they still do nothing after we yell for minutes, we could punish them by taking their computer or gadgets for weeks or months, and they will do whatever we ask them to do. We don’t want to do that, we don’t want them to be afraid of us. We also had a hard one, which is to become their role model. We are looking at ourselves as their role model and us. What do I need to become so they can do what I ask them to do because they love to do it?
The Power Of Giving Kids A Reason
Of course, we want them to show more respect. Through my learnings and experience, I see that creating a routine, being more relaxed, resting when I feel tired, reconnecting after I am rested, and listening more than telling them what to do works best for us. Before I made this, I actually asked my son Patrick what makes him listen to what I asked him to do. He said that when I ask him to do something, give him the reason and convince him why it’s good for him to do so, he’s more likely to do it.
He said that when parents say, “Just do it because I said so,” kids will not do it. It will not make kids respect their parents. By giving them the reason, and convincing them why it’s good for them, and making sure that our reason is better than the other option, that our kids think is better, we’re more likely to make them do what we ask them to do. You can try and let me know in the comment section how it goes.
Telling kids 'Just do it because I said so' rarely works and will not make them respect their parents. Providing a reason and showing the benefits makes them more likely to listen. Share on XCreating A Routine
The second one that helps us a lot is that we created the routine. For example, in the morning, they have to clean their bed. They have to shower, they have to brush their teeth, clean their tongue, and have breakfast before going out. For me, it’s a must. Putting their dirty dishes in the sink and washing them with water before putting them in the dishwasher is also a must. How about if they forget it? I will not take it from their table. Sooner or later, they have to do it anyway. I will not do the responsibilities.
They’ll come back home. If they forget their dirty plates in the morning, they’ll have to clean them by themselves before they can have their dinner. By the time I made this, my kids were 9 and 13 years old. I don’t have to tell them a thousand times, like when they were a toddler. I showed them that I did what I asked them to do as well. At this age, I guide them by doing, not just telling them anymore.
Be Relaxed Once In A While
The third thing I see that’s so important is to be relaxed. Relax once in a while, especially Monday morning, when Sunday night was way too much fun. They may wake up late and miss breakfast. Let them experience feeling hungry at school because they skipped their breakfast. Relaxing helps me to remind myself not to take things personally as well. For example, you don’t want to eat because they say they still feel full, but I have already prepared the dinner.
What I did was I trust them, they’re still full. Not telling lies to myself that “They didn’t appreciate my cooking.” It’s their body. They know when they’re hungry or full. I can offer, and if they say no, that’s their choice. Relaxing for me also means relaxing with their grades in school. I’m so lucky that I grew up with both my parents not pushing me harder to have good grades. I played outdoors a lot after school, and I loved to study because I loved to be number one at school, not because my parents wanted me.
My mom was more strict about my attitude than my grades, which affected my parenting style as well. Imagine ten years from now, our kids will face a different era than we did. How can we pay attention more to what’s important for their future and not only to their grades? For me, kids’ attitude is more important. They will have consequences if they don’t behave well and show respect to themselves and others. Seeing the way I enjoy learning and growing to this day, I don’t push them. They must have good grades.
Kids’ attitude is more important. They will have consequences if they don't behave well and show respect to themselves and others. Share on XI want them to enjoy learning and experience life through making mistakes. Come to think about it, good grades are important only now when they are in school. Having an academically smart kid is great, but it’s not my top priority. I love to hear more about how they enjoy their experience at school, connect with their friends, and what they learn. What mistakes did they make? How does their teacher share the information? How much fun they have every day.
For me, this is so much more important for their future, to motivate them to keep learning, growing, and have a human-to-human connection, to be able to relax and stay calm. For me, rest is also very important. I put myself first, as always. When I feel physically tired or have an early meeting, I will tell them that I will go to sleep earlier. If I feel that my mental capacity is very full, I will work on myself to clean all the clutter in my head before I go seeing my family. I have some practices for that.
Reconnecting With Kids Through Quality Time
If you love to know more about it, you can let me know in the comment section and I can make some more next time. The next thing is to reconnect with kids. This is always challenging, especially when kids are playing with their game, having lots of fun in their virtual world. I knock on their door and say, “In an hour, we are going to play outside.”
My daughter is always so happy to play with us, but our son sometimes needs some reason why. It’s always challenging to make the real world more interesting than the virtual world. Don’t you think so? Listen to their ideas more, ask more questions, and pay attention to their body language. Understand them, and always choose to see what they love and really listen to their ideas. This always works on my son. After I do this, he takes off his VR and comes with us to play outside. In the end, he loves it so, so much.
I can see that the more we play outside, the more connected we are with each other. I hope that what I share today will help you to build your foundation well, to reconnect with your kids, and build the teamwork and cooperation so you don’t have to answer the question, what to do when your kids don’t listen to you. Never again.
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