Have you ever helped someone and then felt tired, hurt, or resentful afterward? Maybe you’ve wondered: Am I being kind… or am I just scared to say no? Why do I feel guilty when I speak up for myself? How do I keep my peace without feeling selfish? This episode is your answer.
Today, I share a very personal story about a videographer I hired—and how that one experience taught me what happens when you ignore your body, your gut, and your peace in order to be “the good girl.”
We talk about:
- The root of people-pleasing
- How childhood conditioning and family pressure shaped our patterns
- Why so many high-achieving women still feel unseen
- And how real self-love gives you the strength to set boundaries with grace
You’ll also learn five practical tools I use with my clients to stop over-giving and start honoring your needs with love, not fear.
You’re not too sensitive. You’re not too much. You’re just used to silencing yourself so others feel comfortable. That ends today.
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How To Stop Being A People Pleaser
My love, welcome back to my channel. We are diving into something that I know resonates deeply with so many of you. The difference between genuine kindness and people-pleasing. This topic came straight from questions in my Sacrifice to Self-Love Masterclass, where I see so many incredible women struggling with the same challenge. How do I stop being a people pleaser without losing my kindness?
Being Caught In A Needy Energy
If you ever felt exhausted from saying yes when you wanted to say no, if you’ve ever felt resentful after helping someone, or if you’ve ever ignored that quiet voice inside warning you about the situation, then our conversation is especially for you. I want to share a personal story that taught me a powerful lesson about boundaries from my recent wake-up call. One that delayed this very YouTube channel and podcast.
I always believe everything happens for a reason. Everyone who crosses our path brings a lesson. When my business mentor challenged me to relaunch my YouTube and podcast, I immediately felt overwhelmed by the technical aspects of video creation. After searching the videographers, I found most were outside my city and required studio visits. I wanted to film at home, so I thought I just buy equipment and figure it out myself.
Typical problem solver mode. I bought two cameras and lighting equipment, but honestly, I wasn’t excited to use them. It took me two days just to open the box. When I finally recorded some videos and transferred them to my laptop. Guess what? No sound. I went to the camera store for help, and like magic, the employee helping me mentioned he was a videographer who could come to my home. I felt so grateful. This seems like the universe’s God answering my prayers.
Everything went well until we discussed payment terms. I explained my standard process. A deposit upfront, then pay the remainder upon delivery or edited content. Suddenly, his energy completely changed. He made assumptions, became defensive, and even threatened to return my deposit. Here’s where the people-pleasing trap caught me, because I was in what I call needy energy.
Desperately wanting those videos done, I spent so much time explaining myself, trying to make him understand, trying to smooth things over. By the time he finally calmed down, I felt completely drained. My intuition was screaming, “Don’t work with this person.” I ignored it because I was so relieved to have found help. I’ve already invested time and a deposit, I was attached to the outcome of having professional videos, but the pattern continues.
People-pleasing is not about being nice. It is about fear. Share on XThe red flags kept appearing. During our second shoot, he lost two of my videos. When I asked about them, another dramatic scene unfolded. Yet again, I found myself in that needy energy, forgiving and ignoring my intuition. “It’s just two videos I can shoot again next time, no big deal.” On the morning of our scheduled shoot, I reminded him about our payment terms, and once more, he created conflict.
That was my breaking point. I finally said, “Enough is enough.” I realized I couldn’t create authentic, energizing content while working with someone who constantly drained my energy. In that moment, I chose myself. I canceled the shoot and ended our working relationship. Here’s what I want you to know. Being a good person doesn’t mean you cannot be angry. Being a lovely person doesn’t mean forcing a smile when you’re upset.
Being Kind Vs Being A People-Pleaser
This experience taught me something powerful that I’m still learning every day. Having healthy boundaries isn’t selfish, it’s self-preservation. What exactly is the difference between being kind and being a people pleaser? Let me break it down. Kind people give from a place of fullness and genuine desire. They can say no without excessive guilt, help others while honoring their own needs, feel energized after helping others, and make decisions based on their values, not fear.
The people pleasers give from a place of emptiness and obligation, “I have to,” those words right say yes out of fear of rejection, conflict, or abandonment. Help others at the expense of their own well-being, feel drained or resentful after helping others, or make decisions based on what will make others happy.
If some of you relate to this, a comment, and I would love to hear your story. Whether you are managing a business while worrying about being liked by your team or struggling with a partner who makes you feel small when you express your needs, the root issue is the same. People-pleasing isn’t really about being nice, it’s about fear. Where does this pattern come from?
For so many of us, it started in childhood. Perhaps you learned that love was conditional, only available when you were good, quiet, helpful, or perfect. Maybe you grew up in a household where your needs came last, or where expressing your feelings led to conflict or rejection. Some of you had to become little adults too soon, taking care of emotional or practical needs in your family.
Others may have experienced the subtle but powerful conditioning that women especially receive, which is being agreeable. Don’t make waves. Take care of everyone else first. For some of my clients who come from multi-families, there’s often an additional layer of expectation to maintain appearances to represent the family perfectly to justify privileges through constant achievement and agreeables.
For some who feel controlled or dismissed in their relationships, people-pleasing can become a survival mechanism, a way to minimize conflict and create at least some sense of safety. None of this is your fault. These were strategies you developed to navigate your world. They work to some extent. Now they’re causing more harm than good. This is where self-love becomes transformative.
True self-love is a bubble bath and affirmations. Don’t discriminate, it’s about developing a profound relationship with yourself where you honor your needs, feelings, and intuition as sacred guidance. When you truly love yourself, you recognize that your needs matter as much as anyone else’s. Your intuition is trustworthy. Your time and energy are precious resources. You are responsible for protecting your peace. Saying no can be an act of love, both for yourself and others.
Five Ways To Break Free From People-Pleasing Patterns
Self-love gives you the courage to establish boundaries without excessive guilt. It helps you discern when you’re giving from genuine generosity versus fear. It empowers you to choose relationships and situations that honor your worth. Let me share some practical exercises that have helped both me and my clients break free from people’s placing patterns.
The very first one is the body check-in. I will demonstrate taking a deep breath, which is like I’m demonstrated taking a deep breath from your nose and just feel your belly rising. This is how you do the deep breath. Feel it like the slower is better. Before you saying yes to any request, pause and take a deep breath. Before I said no to this videographer, I was basically paused. I was taking a deep breath, and I was like, “This may delay some of my videos, but I cannot do this anymore.”
Remember, you place one hand or both of your hands on your heart. If you want to use one hand, you can put one and then the other one on your belly, or you can put it like this, and you can just ask yourself, “How does my body feel about this request? Do I feel a heaviness in my chest or stomach? Does my throat feel tight, or do I feel open and energized?” Your body holds wisdom that the mind of people pleasing might override.
For you who are experiencing anxiety, this physical awareness is especially powerful. Your panic attacks might actually be your body screaming no when your mouth keeps saying yes. The next one is the delayed response technique because you don’t have to answer requests immediately. I learned this so much because I love to do this fast. Try these phrases. “Let me check my schedule and get back to you. I need to think about that and I’ll let tomorrow.”
Your panic attacks is your body screaming “no” when your mouth keeps saying “yes.” Share on XThat’s an interesting request. “Let me consider if I can commit to that.” This buffer gives you the time to check in with yourself without the pressure of someone waiting for an immediate answer. For those of you, maybe you are balancing businesses, families, and social obligations, this technique is a lifesaver. The last one I love to do is the word reminder. Create a visual reminder of your words that you see daily, especially if you are struggle with this.
I love to in the very beginning in my journey, I use my even alarm. For example, 3:00 PM or something like this, I put that reminder. It could be as simple as a note in your phone that says, “My needs matter. I’m enough without earning my place.” If you feel your worth is constantly questioned by controlling partners or past bullying, this daily enforcement helps counter those negative messages.
I think I want to add this, the intuition journal. I think that this is also not so many people nowadays that like doing the writing by hand, but I really love this. I am still using my pen and paper, even though I have that digital pad. You can start tracking when your intuition speaks to you. Usually, for me, early in the morning, while I love to go outside and then hearing the birds chirping and then while breathing the fresh air for you could be in the nighttime and just listen to yourself, like what happens when you listen versus ignoring it.
This creates concentrated evidence of your inner wisdom. You may want to write down what your intuition told you or whether you followed it or ignored it, and what happened as a result. Over time, you’ll see patterns that strengthen your trust in yourself. For those of you who struggle with overthinking, this practice helps distinguish between unsightly and actual intuition. You may also want to do the energy audit. You can make a list of your regular activities and relationships next to each, whether it fills your energy cup or drains it.
Setting Healthy Boundaries In Real Life
For activities or people that consistently drain you, you may ask, “Can this be eliminated from my life?” If not, how can I set healthy boundaries to protect my energy? What can I do before or after to replenish myself? This is especially helpful for my busy entrepreneurial clients and devoted mothers who give endlessly to others. Now let’s talk about what healthy boundaries look like in real life.
Healthy boundaries aren’t about building walls. They are about knowing where you end and others begin. They help you stay in your emotional lane. For example, you can say no to a request without explaining yourself excessively. You can love someone deeply while still having separate needs and opinions.
You can respect others’ choices without taking responsibility for their feelings. You can express your needs directly instead of hinting or hoping. You can disconnect from toxic people without feeling guilty. In my situation with the videographer, healthy boundaries would have looked like trusting my initial hesitation and exploring other options. Clearly stating my terms once and not over-explaining.
When you honor your own needs and energy, you show up more authentically for others. Share on XWalking away at the first sign of manipulation or recognizing that his reactions were about him, not me, and accepting a temporary delay rather than compromising my peace. Now let’s talk about common fears about setting healthy boundaries. I know many of you worry about what will happen when you start setting boundaries.
“People will think I’m selfish. No one will help me when I need it. I’ll end up alone. My family or partner, husband, and friends won’t love me anymore. I’ll lose my job, clients, opportunities.” These fears are normal, especially when you’ve built your identity around being available and agreeable. Here’s what actually happens when you set healthy boundaries.
Some relationships will fall away, and that’s actually clarifying. The right people will respect you more, not less. Your true value becomes clearer to yourself and others. You’ll have more energy for what truly matters. The love you receive will be for your authentic self, not your pleasing behavior. Remember, this journey from people pleasing to healthy boundaries isn’t perfect or linear.
There will be times you slip back into old patterns. I certainly do. The goal isn’t perfection. It’s awareness and growth. It’s time you honor your intuition. It’s time you pause before automatically saying yes. It’s time you speak your truth. You are strengthening your self-love muscle. Start small. Practice in lower-stakes situations before tackling your biggest boundary challenges.
Celebrate your progress, so small progress, even when it feels uncomfortable. Please know that setting boundaries isn’t selfish, it’s sacred. When you honor your own needs and energy, you show up more authentically for others. You model healthy relationships for those around you. You create space for genuine connection rather than resentful obligation.
Episode Wrap-up And Closing Words
The world doesn’t need more exhausted people pleasers. It needs more whole-hearted humans who give from abundance rather than fear. I’d love to hear your experiences with people-pleasing and boundary setting in the comments below. What’s been your biggest challenge? Which of these practices resonates most with you?
If you found this helpful, please give this video a thumbs up and subscribe for more content on self-love, boundaries, and authentic living. Remember, beautiful lady, you deserve to be treated with kindness, starting with how you treat yourself. Until next time, take gentle care of your precious heart.
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